Worst Christmas Movie of 2023: Christmas in Hollywood (2014)

no, not Matt Berry.  And, no - it's not clear who gave those awards

Watched:  12/24/2023

Format:  Amazon

Viewing:  First, and, God willing, last

Director:  Some asshat

Los Angeles/ Hollywood always strikes me as one of two places in America where dreams don't just go to die, they mutate.  (The other is Las Vegas, but that's a completely different thing.)  

Folks head out west to get into the motion picture business, and find out that maybe they haven't got the talent, social skills, what-have-you to make it in movies.  Sure, you can chalk it up to luck, too, I guess.  But, also, some people are just ridiculous.  And, so, Hollywood always seems to have this weird underbelly of people looking for their shot.  And sometimes they go ahead and make their own shot happen, which - if you believe the Hollywood story - is what you've got to do.  But, I watch a lot of not-great movies, and I'm here to say, you really don't have to take that shot.  

PodCast 232: "Cutthroat Island" (1995) - A Movie of Doom w/ SimonUK and Ryan

Watched:  02/05/2023

Format:  Amazon

Viewing:  Second

Decade:  1990's

Director:  Renny Harlin

For more ways to listen

Yarrr! Shiver me timbers! 'Tis the 1995 movie that made us voluntarily seek Davey Jones' locker. We walk the plank of 90's spectacle filmmaking to reconsider a movie that no one boarded, and it still sank to the ocean floor despite extravagant sets, seemingly real boats, giant cannons, a monkey and the always watchable Geena Davis. ...and yet...

SoundCloud 

The Signal Watch PodCast · 232: "Cutthroat Island" (1995) - A Movie of Doom w/ SimonUK and Ryan

YouTube

Music:

Cutthroat Island Main Theme - John Debney 

MOVIES OF DOOM!

The Signal Watch PodCast · Movies of Doom

Disney Watch: Treasure Island (1950)

 

Watched: 02/20/2021

Format:  BluRay

Viewing:  unknown, but first in a while

Decade:  1950's

Director:   Byron Haskin

To give you guys an idea of the difference between kids movies of the early 1950's (that I watched about 30 years later) and what comes out these days - Walt Disney's Treasure Island (1950) features a guy ordering a "double rum" in the first scene, an old pirate drinks himself to death in the first ten minutes, and then there's cold-blooded murder, mutiny, and people shooting each other and a kid who shoots a guy in the face after getting stabbed with a dagger.

I mean, we saw this movie at school.  

I also checked the novel out of my elementary school library, and it makes the movie look like a walk in the park.  

Now THAT'S adventure!

It's a fascinating movie as Jim Hawkins, our 12-year-old avatar, is a kid caught up in a *very* adult adventure, complete with both the violence and risk of a pirate story, but - watching it as an adult - I'm reminded how flawed the protagonist-type characters are as well.  But, more than that, it walks a gray path for Jim as he is genuinely befriended, to the best of his ability, by Long John Silver - who clearly has a soft-spot for the kid, but will also cut his throat to save his own skin.  

This was one of the first movies I ever saw that included this sort of betrayal, and it was all the weirder to parse watching as a kid, because Jim and John do have a weird buddy-ship even though they're locked in mortal combat, and LJS's minions are *always* ready to gut the kid.  But I do like that Hawkins sees both sides of the coflict, and has complicated interactions with the adults around him.  It's a heck of a way to illustrate a young man discovering the world beyond his door.  

Pirate Watch: Against All Flags (1952)

Watched:  01/15/2021

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Unknown

Decade:  1950's

Director:   George Sherman

I have previously discussed this movie, including just last year.  

I believe that right up properly expresses my appreciation and major points I'd make about the movie.

Watch Party Watch: Yellowbeard (1983)

Watched: 11/01/2020

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  First(ish)

Decade:  1980's

Director:  Mel Damski

I may have seen parts of this as a kid.  I vaguely remember it being on cable during one of the sporadic windows during which my parents would get HBO, see we were watching something very much like Yellowbeard (1983) and then pull the HBO subscription again for a year before they forgot and did it again.

Look, I appreciate that we all bring something to these Amazon Watch Parties, and Jenifer had fond memories of watching this as a kid - and I have a vague memory that told me I'd seen it - but I don't think I ever had.  Nothing looked familiar.  But this is not a much loved movie by critics, the 1983 audience or the folks in it.  If you want a hint - there are very famous, beloved people in this and yet no one talks about this movie.  So.  But they did get to hang out in Acapulco and make a movie - and this seems to have landed them a massive, all-star cast that should have been a hit just by default.

Graham Chapman.  Peter Boyle.  Cheech & Chong.  Marty Feldman. Madeline Kahn. James Mason.  Eric Idle. John Cleese.  Kenneth Mars.  Michael Hordern.  Susannah York. Nigel Planer. And a bunch I'm forgetting.  But, yeah, you have all these people sharing the screen, but the movie seems like they have no idea what is happening or how a movie works.

Anyhoo... I bet they had fun in Acapulco.  But, a weirdly not good movie.

Pirate Watch: Against All Flags (1952)

Watched:  03/29/2020
Format:  Amazon Streaming
Viewing:  fourth
Decade:  1950's

Ah, Maureen O'Hara in technicolor as a pirate captain.

PODCAST: "The Island" (1980) - a SimonUK Cinema Series Special! w/ Ryan

Watched:  01/05/2019
Format:  DVD
Viewing:  First
Decade:  1980's


Ahoy! We sail into the NSFW new year with a tale of unlikely adventure and horror as a very 1980-era Michael Caine heads to the Bermuda Triangle to look into some missing boats only to find: a secret civilization of PIRATES. And not fun, yo-ho-ho pirates, but, like, crazy inbred weirdo pirates. It's a whole scene, man.




Music:
Island Magic - Ennio Morricone, The Island OST



SimonUK Playlist

Pirate Watch: Treasure Island (1950)

After watching Johnny Tremain, I've been curious as to how the other Disney live-action films of my youth hold up.  I won't likely be reviewing Son of Flubber for example, but some of the more "adventure" type titles I haven't seen in a while are on Amazon streaming, so...  here we go.

I don't know how many times I watched this one as a kid, but it was more than once.  And, I read the book when I was 10, which is really the perfect time to read Treasure Island.  At 10, I wasn't terribly interested in romance in my books, and there's absolutely none to be had in the novel, but I was interested in pirates and cutthroats and treasure chests and maps (my second grade teacher, two years prior, had known this so much she brought me a souvenir treasure map from The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland, and I studied it like it was going to find me a genuine treasure).