What Did I Just Do? A Holidays 2024 Viewing ReCap in Hallmark and Chabert

It was a Chabertmas

In 2024, Jamie and I just decided we were bailing on our usual annual viewing options and going to try to watch new-to-us movies, and - at some point - decided we were going to just watch the offerings that were the lightest, most-conflict-averse films we could dig up.

This didn't always work out.  We did watch Christmas Eve in Miller's Point, which was nothing but conflict.  And I watched the 2006 remake of Black Christmas.  

We started off watching an older Alicia Witt movie the weekend before Thanksgiving, and attending a screening of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever the next night. 

I will admit - I think there's probably two or three movies on here we could probably add, but I was kind of in and out of the movies, and so I'm not going to.  I'm sure you'll be fine.  But the grand total of what I want to claim is that we watched 24 Holiday movies in the Holiday Season, 2024.  

Hallmark Holiday Watch Bonus Round - 3 movies I kinda watched

Christmas at Castle Hart

Watched:  12/?/2024

Format:  Amazon?

Viewing:  First

Director:  Stefan Scaini

Some Hallmark movies I just put on, and they played and I didn't pay them much attention as I did other things.  In the past, I generally didn't even bother with mentioning them or doing a write-up with these, but I feel like I'm doing everyone a disservice if I do that to you good people here.

Chabertmas: Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe (2018)

Watched:  12/23/2024

Format:  Amazon/ Hallmark

Viewing:  First

Director:  Don McBrearty

I dunno.  Chabert is maybe an investment banker in NYC.  She comes home to help her mom run a Christmas charity event in the most persnickety version of charity events that seems way too high stakes for something like this - but I also know in real rich people land, there's probably some reality here.

Chabert's colleagues wait until she's gone to also try to poach all of her clients and run her out even though she's a partner, which means - yikes.  What a terrible place she's working.  

She runs into her old high school Debate Club sparring partner, who is now running a restaurant.

Anyway, it kind of writes itself.  

I have no idea what it had to do with Pride and Prejudice other than Chabert's character's name is "Darcy".

Chabert Holiday Watch: A Wish For Christmas (2016)

Watched:  12/21/2024

Format:  Amazon streaming

Viewing:  At least second

Director:  Christie Will Wolf

In addition to riding into the sunset on Hallmark-type Christmas movies, I'm also trying to make my way through the Chabert Hallmark catalog.  I mean - why not?

So, apparently I'd seen this movie before about five years ago.  I'd forgotten because apparently I watched it when I had the flu after a work trip (I very much remember being sick).

In this movie, Santa uses his fantastical powers to bestow Lacey Chabert with her Christmas wish of courage.  This is coupled with a reckless sense of agency and a Zoom-In-Dolly-Out effect familiar to fans of the movie Jaws.  

I don't have much to add to the post I linked to above.  

I will mention that the lead is only two years younger than the woman playing his aunt, and I don't know why on earth Hallmark does this.  Surely they could have dug up an actress who didn't look right as a love interest for our lead.  I would guess the mom is less than a decade older that our lead as well.  

The film also co-stars the woman who played Eve Tessmacher on Supergirl.  

Chabert is Chabert, but they keep commenting on her earrings, which you absolutely cannot see under her hair.  I don't know what happened on this movie, but that's a fixable problem.  And it makes me wonder if they didn't have the earrings people keep describing as "Snowmen" or what happened.  Do not insert details into your movie if they just raise unanswerable questions.

Regret Holiday Watch: Christmas In The Spotlight (2024)

Watched:  12/20/2024

Format:  Amazon/ Lifetime

Viewing:  First

Director:  Michelle Ouellet

Thanks.  I hate it.

Well.  Two movies were released for Christmas this year counting on the public's fascination with the Taylor Swift/ Travis Kelce real-life romance between a music star of epic proportions and a pretty good football player.  The first film blinked, dumped any comparison to that romance, and made itself about the Chiefs being a really good football team since Andy Reid showed up, and avoided mention of Kelce and Swift.

This one is a weirdly lofi version of someone imagining how the romance between a pop star and football player would go down.  And then cast someone you know that, back in high school, would have been mean to you for no reason as the pop star, and then cast a ham with eyes as the football player.

About twenty minutes into the movie, I realized I don't know anything about Taylor Swift or Kelce.  I don't even know any Taylor Swift music aside from "Shake It Off" which has to be a decade old at this point, and I haven't watched a Chiefs game since last season.  But we'd committed, and so we persevered.

It's just a movie that doesn't know how football works, or what it looks like to watch an actual football game.  I won't pretend I know how the pop music machine works in 2024, but I'll guess this is just as accurate as their football take - which includes a pro football fields with soccer markings painted on the field.  

But, wow, you don't really appreciate the talent in these movies until you're left with two largely unlikeable leads role-playing what it would be like to watch two shallow, boring people circle each other until sex happens.  And because this is Lifetime and not Hallmark, sex is definitely implied.

It is funny watching the difference between Hallmark and Lifetime as Lifetime *does* seem to exist more in a world where people do normal things, like make out.  But it turns out real life is kind of dull.  I don't actually want to see two people doing puzzles and cooking together.  Especially not these two.

And if you want to know how awful they are, the finale is them hi-jacking a Christmas performance benefiting a children's hospital to declare their love for each other.  The supporting cast is fine and mostly better than the stars, especially the mom.

This movie exists because someone was going to make it, not because it was a good idea.  Or had any particular story to come up with other than idly speculating about Swift and Kelce, I guess.  Is this what it's like to be famous?  I don't know.  Probably not.  There's no agents, no coaches, no regimens, no concert tours or press to do.  No press agents to handle mishaps.  But there are two 30-something actors fumbling with each other whether you like it or not, giggling way, way too much.

And, I'll say it, both actors have weird heads.

Holiday Horror Watch: Black Christmas (2006)

Watched:  12/20/2024

Format:  Amazon Prime

Viewing:  First

Director:  Glen Morgan

I watched this movie because last weekend, Brandon Z told me that he'd watched all three version of Black Christmas (I did not know there were three) and that the 2006 edition featured Mary Elizabeth Winstead (always great) and our Christmas Queen, Lacey Chabert.  He did not endorse this version - just let me know: it exists.

Well, this is the opposite of a Hallmark movie, but if it has Chabert, and it's Christmas, who am I to not watch this movie?

A few years ago I watched the 1974 original version of Black Christmas (2006) and it scared the bejeezus out of me.  THAT is a horror film.  It leaves us with unknowns, an uncaught murderer who we never fully see, no motivation...  it's just... people getting popped off one-by-one and because of how college worked in a pre-internet/ pre-cell-phone era, when people weren't around, you just assumed they were okay until you heard otherwise.

This movie is bad.  It feels like it has no idea what worked in the original film, and made it smaller and less believable and went for gore over the terror of a guy slowly picking off unsuspecting sorority girls.  It changes it into a Halloween movie, but if Michael Meyers' thing was being mistaken for a banana.*  It even ends like Halloween 2 instead of leaving us with the absolute spine chiller of the original's conclusion.

Full stop - I am well known for face blindness with young Hollywood talent, male and female.  There was a hot minute where I thought Eva Green and Emily Blunt were the same person circa 2006.  So throw a sorority house full of girls at me who have no discernible personalities, different wardrobes or even really have blemishes, and my only hope for knowing who they are is "that one wears glasses" and that one is "MEW".  But I literally couldn't tell you how many girls were in the house, who they were, what their stories were, etc...  But, yes, I did look at IMDB and vaguely remember Michelle Trachtenberg.  But if they're all the same person, plus Andrea Martin, it makes it hard to care about anyone but Andrea Martin.  

And... look, MEW wasn't quite a thing yet in 2006, but Chabert kind of was.  So it's weird she has like 10 lines and is shoved in the background.  She's kind of funny in this.

As mentioned - awesomely, this movie *does* have Andrea Martin in it as a new character - the house mother.  And we love Andrea Martin.  Glad to see her.  And - because it's the writer/ director's wife, we also have Kristen Cloake, who is not a bad actor, btw, but it seems like she's hung up her acting guns.

This movie isn't scary.  1974's Black Christmas is so spooky, it's going to take some effort for me to watch it again.  This one is what you always see me complain about - jump scares in place of scares.  There's no real mood.  The backstory is just dumb and in no way an improvement - especially the post-Scream two-killer reveal (whoops, spoilers).  And the last act in the hospital just sucks.

I don't know why this exists.  And I don't blame the talent.  The people I do know in this are fine actors, so it's not them.  A quick look at wikipedia shows the problem was likely The Weinsteins.  So.  There you go.  Something else they made horrible.

I do not think I will watch the 2019 version unless there's a very pressing reason to do so.

*there's some liver problem we're told he has, and that it makes him yellow.  It looks *ridiculous*

Hallmark Holidaze Watch: Time For Us To Come Home For Christmas (2020)

run away, Lacey!

Watched:  12/18/2024

Format:  Amazon Streaming - Prime

Viewing:  First

Director:  David Winning

So:  Tonight Jamie and I admitted to each other that we weren't going to watch any of our usual holiday movies.  We gripped hands, Thelma and Louise style, and declared we are going over the Hallmark cliff this year.  I still have two movies I want to get in that are not Hallmark, but if it doesn't happen, I'll live.

Also - I started wondering if the movies at Hallmark had actually gotten better and harder to drag, or if I just got soft.  I mean, I keep talking about how Hallmark recognized it's issues and doesn't make the exact same junk anymore.

Well.  Thank you, Time For Us To Come Home For Christmas (2020), because I've realized, it not me, it's Hallmark.  Or, it was, as recently as 2020.  This movie was super fun to riff and I had a great time.

What's remarkable about Time For Us To Come Home For Christmas is that it's a horror movie in almost every way, but instead of it ending with Lacey Chabert running for her life before putting an axe through a dude's skull, it wimps out and has a nice, Hallmark ending.

Why it's a horror film:  

Hallmark Holidaze Sequel Watch: Three Wiser Men and a Boy (2024)

Watched:  12/17/2024

Format:  Hallmark

Viewing:  First

Director:  Terry Ingram

For some time, we have lived in a world where Hallmark and Netflix Christmas movies have sequels.  We catch up with our imaginary friends and see them grow a little more, learn and love a little more, and pretend that the houses they're in are the same ones from the prior film, when they kind of aren't.

As predicted, we watched Three Wiser Men and a Boy (2024), the follow up to 2022's Three Wise Men and a Baby.  

Remarkably, this film got back all but one of the large original cast - Ali Liebert, one of the romantic interests - and brings in Erin Karpluk as a different sort of match.  It's also written by the team of Sustad and Campbell (returning) and tapped in the apparent go-to for making sure your holiday movies are nailing the comedy, Russell Hainline (Hot Frosty, Santa Class).  

It's now roughly 5 years after the events of the epilogue to the first film.  Our three brothers have new spins on the problems they had in the first film.  But now Thomas, the baby, is a boy in Kindergarten.  They accidentally wreck the school Christmas play and are made to take it over, while also all de-camping to their mother's house again for Christmas.  Meanwhile, Mom is now dating someone - a nice-guy pastor.

This film definitely ups the wacky-factor, and is more in line with what I expected from hearing the first one was zany.  And it works!  It is zany.  It is also heartfelt, and, maybe because it is building on the prior movie it is assuming you've seen, actually has problems for the characters that feel semi real, even if they manifest in goofy ways.

I do think the movie falls prey a bit to illogical things occurring for sake of the movie, and that's okay.  Videogames in 2024 are not made by a single person.  No principal would bring in 3 unlicensed people they remember as bad students 30 years later in order to put on a Christmas play - they'd cancel it.  Nothing about how a play is put together here makes any sense, but all right.  Look - it's fine!  This is a hyper Christmas reality.  I get it.  You don't do this, you don't get the jokes.

The one thing I will absolutely buy is that child-free uncles would buy peanut-laden cookies for kids and not think about it.  This is me.

But, yes, if you like the first movie, this is more of that, and that is not a criticism or complaint.  It's an acknowledgement, but - I do think, on reflection, that on a channel that is usually focusing on the issues of women, they do have this movie about men in semi-crisis.  Boys and men adapting to their moms having inner lives is hard.  We don't just overcome anxiety with a system, we live with it and work with it.  We can go from being tired of being depended upon to wondering why nobody seems to need us.  We don't always get what we want, but if we try sometimes, we might just find, we get what we need.

Also, off-brand Christmas pageants are inherently funny.

The movies just aren't long enough to spend runtime on all of the partners of the men, especially now that they needed to show the kids (who were all pretty solid kid actors.  Well done, movie) and the three brothers interacting with them.  But, who knows?  Maybe in two years they wives and partners get a bit more screentime for 3 Wisened Men.

Hallmark Holidaze Watch: Three Wise Men and a Baby (2022)

this movie's title is way better in Portuguese

Watched:  12/16/2024

Format:  streaming

Viewing:  First

Director:  Terry Ingram

So, among the new formulas Hallmark has been deploying, one mainstay has been the adaption of concepts from older, popular films but not so close there's potential legal action, and mostly by Hallmarking them up.  You liked Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?  Go enjoy The Christmas Quest.  Any of a hundred snobs versus slobs comedies?  Go see The Santa Class.  It's nothing new in movies to lightly borrow from each other - or heavily borrow - and Hallmark is not alone in this.  But there's a certain gloss that makes things Hallmark, from casting to the required baking scenes.  And that's fine.  It's an all-new version of Hallmark bingo.

Three Wise Men and a Baby (2022) echoes the 1980's popular comedy Three Men and a Baby.  It's in the title.  No one is playing hide-the-ball here.   I did not like Three Men and a Baby in the 1980's when I saw it, because I was 13, mostly concerned for the baby, do not swoon over Tom Selleck, and knew the baby would be taken away eventually.  Virile 80's dudes only deal with babies in short bursts.  I'd be lying if I said I remembered details.

Written by Hallmark writer/ actors Kimberley Sustad and Paul Campbell, and directed by workhorse Terry Ingram, this film stars three familiar Hallmark faces - Paul Campbell, Tyler Hynes, and Andrew Walker as three adult brothers, living in close proximity to their single mom, played by ID4's Margaret Colin (the First Lady.  You know who I'm talking about).

Hallmark Holidaze Watch: Santa Class (2024)

Watched:  12/14/2024

Format:  Hallmark

Viewing:  First

Director:  Lucie Guest

So, this was actually funny.  Not laugh-til-you-cry funny, but I guffawed, chortled, etc...  Some laughs came because I couldn't believe this was happening in a Hallmark movie, but mostly because the jokes landed.  It is possible that Hallmark made a pretty funny, okay movie movie utilizing their resources, financial and talent-wise, that wasn't Christmas wallpaper.

So... let's not go crazy overselling this, but I do think it's shocking to see a Hallmark movie with actual comedic timing, funny lines, goofy characters and an underdog storyline that feels like it was imported from a circa 2005 comedy, and made something generally entertaining.

And that's fine!  That is massive progress for Hallmark.  

Regret Holidaze Watch: The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas (1996)

he doesn't even have make-up on his arms in the promo pic

Watched:  12/13/2024

Format:  Amazon

Viewing:  First

Director:  Ian Emes

As a kid, I liked The Munsters better than The Addams Family.  I even have a core memory of running from our family kitchen to the living room around age 3 because I heard The Munsters' theme song on TV, and I didn't want to miss the show.  But as a high schooler, thanks to the Addams Family movie, I watched the Addam's Family TV show and converted.

Because both feature characters rather than, say, trying to replace Dick Van Dyke on his eponymous show, both shows have seen swings to return to glory from their initial runs by re-casting or bringing back the same actors.  Munsters, in particular, usually looks cheap, off and wrong.  Somehow, Addams Family has landed two great live action films, one good animated film, and a musical popular with families and amorous politicos.  Munsters got a universally derided feature film in 2022 that no one saw.

If you don't remember, The Munsters was a very 1960's comedy show that borrowed some of Universal Monsters concepts, rejiggered them, and asked "what if they were a family unit living in Southern California?"  Like most 1960's shows, it only lasted about three seasons, but that doesn't mean it didn't survive in reruns, a favorite of kids.  Somehow, those reruns had an outsized influence on pop culture, and sixty years later, we still know Herman and Lily Munster better than almost every other 1965 show except maybe I Dream of Jeannie.  

The Signal Watch Christmas Gift Guide

Tis the Season For Spending Money.

Thanks to three wise fellows 2000+ years ago overdoing it for their peek at a baby, and the habits of Victorians, every holiday we rack our brains and empty our wallets to make sure Christmas is a consumerist orgy.

But what can you get your loved ones?

Holidaze Watch: Christmas Eve in Miller's Point (2024)

Watched:  12/10/2024

Format:  Amazon

Viewing:  First

Director:  Tyler Taormina

Seeking something new that wasn't released on Netflix or Hallmark, we put on Christmas Eve in Miller's Point (2024).  

Sometimes you see a movie you know is technically very good, and will *definitely* please the sorts of people who become professional film critics, but leaves you absolutely flat by the movie's end.  And, for me, this is one of those.  I feel almost guilty talking about it.  I know of a folk or two who have told me they liked it...  And, to them, I am sorry.

I can acknowledge what the creative team did here was an absolutely remarkable achievement and they pulled off all sorts of things that shouldn't work.  But I finished the movie understanding the point - and still... nothing.  Maybe I'm not in the right frame of mind, or maybe I'm just too old.  Maybe I'm not from Long Island enough.*

The basic set-up is the cacophonous Christmas Eve celebration of a large and extended (and, I think) Italian family in the suburbs outside of New York City.  It's a kaleidoscope of family personalities, issues, and melodrama all caught and crossing in a single evening - the kind of evening like Christmas Eve, which is one of the rare occasions where this much family comes together just to be together. 

Netflix Holidaze: Our Little Secret (2024)

Watched:  12/07/2024

Format:  Netflix

Viewing:  First

Director:  Stephen Herek

This is a movie with a great set-up, a terrific cast and mediocre execution.  Also, I think I've just seen what Millennial comedy is again, and y'all need to stop explaining your jokes during the joke.  And let people be the villain sometimes.

I'm not sure this movie needed the preamble of a scene from 10 years ago to work, but it has it.  We find that our heroes - Lindsay Lohan and Ian Harding - grew up together and were young lovers.  Tragedy struck as Lohan's mother died, causing Lohan to pursue her dream and leave for London, ie: bailing on Harding.  Harding makes an ass of himself proposing to Lohan at her good-bye party, and she does not accept.  10 years later (now), Lohan and Harding are each going to spend Christmas with their current significant others.  When they arrive, they discover, the significant others are siblings and they have to spend Christmas together.

Funny!  That's awkward!  And you can guess they'll wind up falling for each other again, so it's all right there.  Of course, they keep their former relationship a secret so no jealousies bubble-up, and because secrets in movies are super important for them to work and a disaster in real life.

To add to the mix, Kristin Chenoweth plays the ultra-high-strung, image conscious mom of the family, who has it in for for Lohan for no reason, adores Harding for no reason, and who has very specific ideas about Christmas.  Kind of funny?

The biggest problem with the movie is that it has so many characters, all of whom play a part and are the cogs in the clockwork of the movie, but it leaves people who should be involved and around on the sidelines consistently.  And, *sigh* I just always feel like Lohan is an energy black hole when she's on screen, which leaves Harding to do all the comedic heavy lifting with Chenoweth.  Which is a choice, because they did bring in Tim Meadows and Judy Reyes as family friends (and Reyes has one bit of business she does that was not the focus, and probably got one of the biggest laughs of the whole movies from me).  

It's hard to say exactly why the movie doesn't feel better than what it is.  Maybe it's too polite, or kind or something.  Certainly to avoid conflicts, Harding's girlfriend is practically a cut-out that could have "girlfriend" written on her, and so obviously disposable, it's impossible to get why they're together or why they'd break up at the end.  She just is.  As is the dad.  And a few other characters.

The movie wants to play nice so hard, I think it bends over backward to make sure that no one is a bad person - not even the cheating boyfriend.  Or cheating dad.  Or the would-be-Step-Mom-Monster.  Which just deflates the stakes and conflict - partially because the movie projects the end at the beginning in almost every way. It ends up toothless and safe.   Add in bland set-ups like "she ate THC gummies!" for a ten minute bit, and... man.  It's some choppy waters as you cross this pond.  Hint:  We also all watched Ted Lasso.  Maybe don't try to lightly rewrite an iconic scene?

Add in that it's not clear at all that Lohan and Harding are more than old high school chums through the movie - like, no interest in each other, so much so that I laughed when they said "I love you" at the end...

That said, Chris Parnell sliding in as Dr. Spaceman: Veterinarian was gold.

We put this on because I'd lost all energy to think about what else to watch after Texas football lost to Georgia in an overtime defeat, and I didn't care.  And watching mid movies is what happens when you don't care.  

I'm glad Lohan seems clean and is getting work, I guess.  I've literally just never been her demographic or audience, and all I can think of is how the 00's-era internet kept trying to insist I should care about Lohan's private life, so I feel a vague sense of exhaustion when I see her.

Holidaze Watch: The Finnish Line (2024)

Watched:  12/6/2024   

Format:  Hallmark

Viewing:  First

Director:  Dustin Rikert

Hey!  Looks like The Finnish Line (2024) was directed by the same fellow who did The Christmas Quest.  I guess he spent his year in very cold countries.

As I've tried to communicate, Hallmark has really been trying to branch out for a while.  One way that materializes is in their Let's Go Europe movies where our hero goes overseas and explores the Christmas traditions of Norway, Germany, Ireland, etc...  very European.  I would love for them to do Central and South America.  But if their take on Texas is any indication...

Anyway, this one takes place in Finland.  My mom's parents were from Finland, which has always left me with something of a relationship with the country as happens when one's grandma is serving pickled herring with lunch and your grandpa sounds like the Swedish Chef when he talks (as my friends would tell me).  As an adult I had opportunity to visit Helsinki for work, and... I loved it.  Finland is rad.  More tall people with long torsos who also look awkward in unexpected conversations!  My people!

But aside from my grandparents passing down a deep need for coffee, which I guess is cultural and congenital, most of what I know about Finland is from my visit and what I've seen online.*

This movie is about a young woman born in the US to a Finnish father and American mother.  The father had been a champion dog-sled racer, but had lost his last big race to a bit of a bully, retired from the sport and gone to live in the US.  Now, his daughter has taken up the sport, and is in Finland to take part in the race, and, inevitably, win it, beating her dad's rival.

But, it's also a romantic comedy, sort of, and a movie teaching you a bit about Finnish Christmas traditions and the weird things Finns do as a culture.  Like "Pantsdrunk", which is a publicly acknowledged habit of drinking by yourself in your underwear.  (Keep in mind, Finland is also one of the happiest and best educated countries on Earth).  

Along the way, our racer finds family, love and saunas.  And there's a nice little twist at the end that humanizes our villain in an astounding way.  I was impressed.

The cast is made up of locals and a few American or Canadian actors.  Our lead is Kim Matula (of Texas), and her pal is played by Nichole Sakura, and I knew from The Treasure of Foggy Mountain.  And they're, like, actually funny.  I don't know what happened here, but it's like they were allowed to tell jokes or make stuff up.  And that is *not* the Hallmark way.  

I'm not saying it's a yuk-fest, but I actually lol'd, which does not happen.

They also, by virtue of a 3-day dog sled race, have an element of adventure which these movies simply do not usually have - except for Rikert's other movie this year, I guess.  And they have a lot of sled dogs, extras, etc...  This movie cost someone some money.  Maybe the nation of Finland.  Who can say?

My one thing was seeing - hey, if they'd had the budget, this could have had more dog racing.  I like dogs and races.

(Fun update:  I think this was barely filmed in Finland, and in Iceland instead with a lot of Icelandic actors)

*my mom was a late addition to their family, arriving when my Grandpas was 48 or 49, and my grandmother about 38.  Pair this with me showing up in 1975, and my grandparents were both elderly and had Americanized pretty well in the near 50 years they'd already been here and were far more representative of the citizens of Michigan's Upper Peninsula in the 20th Century than anything to do with modern Finland.

Also, Sakura is a smoke-show

Festive Watch: Single All The Way (2021)

Watched:  12/05/2024

Format:  Netflix

Viewing:  Second

Director:  Michael Mayer

Two things:  

1)  I watched this originally during the holidays of 2021, and like a lot of things that happened during Deep COVID - I remembered I had watched this movie, but who was in it?  Couldn't tell you.  Any details other than the basic plot?  Nope.

2)  I also failed to write it up somehow, which is likely *part* of how it was not committed to memory.  So, add another movie to my depressingly large number of movies watched in 2021.

I was looking, and this movie got lukewarm reviews when it came out.  Which is understandable in some ways.  It has a weird Metacritic score of 49 - but based on just six reviews.  And a user score of 6.2, with most people feeling "it's fine", a few not liking it, and twice as many liking it.  

But, especially this year, here's what I'm saying to you people:  The past few years have been marked by people having a rough idea of what a Hallmark movie is, but not really watching them for more than a couple of minutes.  But they don't actually know what they're talking about - and mostly still discussing the movies from eight years ago.  And somehow, if something *resembles* one of those movies in form, it's sport to knock it down a few pegs.  And - fair enough!  Do that.

But if you judge this movie against actual Hallmark movies and not what you imagine Hallmark movies to be, Single All The Way (2021) is *good*.  It is also not Hallmark, it's Netflix, but does mark a seismic shift that occurred when these movies stopped being exclusively about white, straight women of a certain age and the Christmas Tree farmers they fall for.

Holidaze Watch: The Christmas Quest (2024)

I don't think Iceland has fjords...  does it?

Watched:  12/01/2024

Format:  Hallmark

Viewing:  First

Director:  Dustin Rikert

Selection:  Jamie

Jamie had (wisely) tapped out early on during the Kansas City Chiefs movie I had rolling whilst doing chores, but she did want to sit down and watch this one.  I feel Jamie has really embraced the concept of Hallmark punching above its weight class with some of its movies, and this sure seemed to be one - so...  yes, we watched it.

Friends, do you like Indiana Jones movies?  Sure, we all do.  And so did whomever put this flick together.  

In particular, they seemed to like Last Crusade, which this movie references so hard it spoils a major twist in the first few minutes.  But if you like Last Crusade, you can at least play Indy bingo, matching up the plot points and characters of The Christmas Quest (2024) to one of the most popular films in human history.  

Look, I tip my hat to Hallmark for trying something different - if different is "take bits of Last Crusade and meld them with one of our 'Let's Go Europe' movies of the past few years".  

Holidaze Watch: Holiday Touchdown - a Chiefs Love Story (2024)

Watched:  12/01/2024

Format:  Hallmark

Viewing:  First

Director:  John Putch

When Hallmark announced its slate of 2024 Christmas movies, it was a bit of an eyebrow raiser that they had this one on the docket.  Holiday Touchdown: A Chief's Love Story (2024) seemed like it was just begging for trouble in some ways.  

Usually, Hallmark avoids discussing real-world things, even naming specific teams, if sports are mentioned at all.  Of course, we figured the movie would echo the Taylor Swift/ Jason Kelce romance - something even I know about, and I don't follow the NFL, the Chiefs or Taylor Swift.*   So, to base an entire movie around the fact the Kansas City Chiefs, one of America's most discussed professional football teams has a player in a famous, tabloidy romance, seemed kind of wacky.  

But, heads up - the movie does not acknowledge, reference or spoof the celebrity couple. In fact, the movie is in no way about either a musician or a player at all, not even an assistant coach.  

Stuart, who is KC based, has informed me that Hallmark is headquartered in Kansas City, which I didn't know - so the pieces for why Hallmark went all in on a movie that would feature Andy Reid in a cameo kind of snapped into place.  Loving your football team is, by far, not the worst reason to make a movie.  (if someone made a movie about the University of Texas Longhorns, of course I'd watch)

The plot is, not surprisingly, whisper thin.  Instead, it exists as one part pro-Chiefs propaganda, one part family comedy about a football loving family, and one part absolute nonsense Christmas Hallmark film.  

The idea is that football is what unites us and gives us common ground and something to discuss, which is true.**  Sports are not inherently bad, no matter how many wedgies you got in high school.

Anyhoo, the movie is a soft sell.  So soft, in fact, that the story is about a missing hat.  Like, someone said "so what is the plot of this movie, now that the Chiefs agreed to it?" and Dumb Dave in the corner said "I like hats" and they made that movie, because it doesn't matter.  You know the guy and girl will fall in love, and Kansas City Chiefs will be omnipresent as a force for good.  Why not make the problem a hat?

Hallmark Watch: Haul Out the Holly (2022)

Watched:  11/28/2024

Format:  Netflix

Viewing:  First

Director:  Maclain Nelson

Selection:  Sorta Jamie/ Sorta Me

Jamie was working on stuffing and rolls for Thanksgiving dinner, and I was cleaning up and doing some Christmas decorating.  And, THAT, friends, is when you put on a Hallmark movie.  

Last year we accidentally watched the sequel to this one (and I forgot to write it up, natch), so, being a pair of curious cats, Jamie and I landed on the original formula: Haul Out the Holly (2022) - now on Netflix.

Here's what I'll say about Haul Out The Holly:  if someone is going to make you watch a Hallmark movie, this is a bad representative of the old archetype and more a reflection of the trends to stop making the same movie over and over.  Like a few from this period, it's trying to be a real movie.  Maybe not a good or memorable movie, but a real comedy with a wacky premise, zany neighbors, and jokes, which is not Hallmark's strong suit.  They do better with movies that are the equivalent of a Glade Plug-In turned up half-way.   But, this movie is just a sort of lo-fi version of an 00's-era Christmas comedy, but so steeped in the very specific idea of what it is, it can just seems unhinged.  And cheerfully unhinged, is, actually the point.  

Ie:  The folks making this knew exactly what they were doing.  

It's also a chance for Chabert to step out from *sincere* Hallmark movies without going 100% meta, and, instead, engage in a wacky comedy, which I am sure she welcomed after laughs in most Hallmark movies that are really a sort of soft, inward smile at best.  And, well, "wacky" comedy.  I did laugh a few times as intended, especially at the neighbor who takes the cookie contest very seriously, played by Melissa Peterman.*  I'm just not sure the jokes are there in quite the way the movie wishes they were, which might be writing, directing, editing... I don't know and don't care.

But every time you think you're about to turn on the movie, the movie leans into the absurdity, and you know - they're just having fun making this dumb movie that doesn't make any sense.

The plot is:  Chabert breaks up with her dopey boyfriend and goes home for Christmas, only to find out her parents aren't just leaving for Florida, they're going on a condo-hunting trip and plan to move away.  Left at her parents' sprawling Salt Lake City McMansion, somehow she's wrapped up in the Christmas Craziness of her parents' street - a place where people practically poop peppermint and Christmas is about ugly sweaters, cookie contests, yard decorations, and basically the higher-end Christmas decorations for one's yard and home.  It has nothing to do with family gatherings, church, presents or anything else.  It's a weird little Christmas-themed cult they've got going, where the HOA President is authorized to cite house guests for inadequate yard nutcrackers.

Chabert left town in part because of her parents' Christmas obsession, but now that she's back, and because she decides she wants to jump the HOA president, she's into it.

Here's the thing - this movie knows how annoying it's own premise is.  But by knowing how nuts it is, they just lean into it more, like a dare.  "Well, you're still here watching this!"

It's... fine?  For what it is?  Chabert makes a curiously good straight man?  

Anyhoo...  It absolutely finished in less than 90 minutes, and I like that.

*who was apparently one of the two hookers from Fargo if you need a blast from the past

Hallmark Watch: A Holiday Engagement (2011)

Watched:  11/26/2024

Format:  Netflix

Viewing:  First

Director:   Jim Fall

So, I've always wondered why Hallmark used the model they did, of sort of hoarding all of their hundreds of Christmas movies for the their three cable channels.  And, I think. they have an app or streaming service.  But I kinda think signing up for a Hallmark app is for the folks who are a particular breed of cat.  

Now, they've dumped an insane number of these movies on Amazon, YouTube and Netflix.  Jamie was looking for something else and realized this, and as we were doing some Christmas decorating, she randomly picked one, and this is what we got.

The movie is from 2011, so it's an interesting snapshot in time for Hallmark's continual evolution.  They have name-actors, but in supporting roles.  Shelley Long is a major character as the mom who seems like she's entertaining notions about how a a woman plans her future that last got updated in 1961.  It's a thankless role.  Sam McMurray - who you know from everything - is the dad, who is a two note joke, and gets away with cashing a paycheck for just mugging a bit.  Salute.  Haylie Duff appears and you absolutely wonder why she's not the star every time she wanders onto the screen.  A pre-Vice Principals/ Righteous Gemstones Edi Patterson steals the early part of the movie as the star's much more engaging friend.  I wanted to watch her movie, not what we got.  Also - Jan Brady shows up for two shots trying to steal a wedding dress.