Magic Fish Watch: Ouija Shark (2020)

Watched:  02/21/2025

Format:  Amazon

Viewing:  First

Director:  Brett Kelly

There's a fine line between doofuses futzing about with video equipment and outsider art. Ouija Shark (2020) may inadvertently cross that line from time-to-time.  Maybe.  In little 1-3 second bursts, you may experiencing art, in-between wondering why you're watching this movie.

The movie and TV business is a weird beast.  For the past 20 years, it's been true that you really don't need money to make a movie.  You just need time, something to capture your movie with, and a computer.  Also, you require people who will keep showing up for your movie, or remain wherever you are long enough to do their scenes.  

In a world where people complain that Hallmark movies look cheap - what they mean is "this looks cheap next to Mission Impossible", which has roughly 100 - 200x the budget of most Hallmark films.  That's not an exaggeration.  So, yes, they do look cheaper.

But a Hallmark movie spending $1 million has approximately $1 million more than a *lot* of movies you see winding up on Amazon that are like Ouija Shark.  And what's amazing is - so many people think it would be fun to make a movie, the world is now littered with Ouija Sharks.  Ie:  People who get some friends together and make a movie, by hook or by crook.

Starring random Canadians, this movie is about an hour long, really, if you cut the lengthy title sequence.  It's about a young woman who goes swimming at a lake, where she finds a ouija board underwater.  

Chabert Watch! The Dancing Detective - a Deadly Tango (2023)

Watched:  02/20/2025

Format:  Hallmark/ Amazon

Viewing:  First

Director:  Stefan Scaini

Job:  Police detective

new skill:  ballroom dancing

Man: Will Kemp

Job of Man: dance instructor

Goes to/ Returns to:  Goes to Malta

Event:  Dance competition

Food:  cocktails

This movie is bonkers.  

You will never follow the premise, because it is baffling and exists to making the central conceit of the title happen - that a detective will dance!

For reasons, The Dancing Detective: A Deadly Tango (2023) is shot in Malta, a place of which I am mostly uninformed, but makes Malta seem lovely, and I'd love to see it.  It's modern, but retained its architecture, features old-world streets and buildings, and many pleasantly snoozing cats. But also because it's Malta in the middle of the Mediterranean, the sun is brutal and I pity the DP.

As a Maltese-shot film, a lot of the talent in the movie is local.  All the characters sport very Anglo-sounding names while the actors mostly wrestle down a range of accents from Maltese, to multi-lingual-kinda-Spanish to Slovenian.  

The film basically exists to exploit the fact that Will Kemp, one of the Hallmark A-Listers, has a background in dance.  Lacey Chabert, who is the co-star, does not.  Chabert and Kemp are both Executive Producers on this movie, and I cannot imagine what the business dealings at Hallmark are actually like, as this is also a Bristow produced movie, like the Safari movie we caught the other day.  Globetrotters, these Bristows.

The set-up:  a suave CEO dies suddenly - and while no one else sees it but us, the audience, we know he was poisoned by someone dressed as a ninja.  It turns out he's the CEO of a company like the Arthur Murray Dance Company, which is actually global (I didn't realize Arthur Murray still existed until last year when I noticed a studio next to a restaurant where I sometimes meet my folks).  So, this is high stakes!  Someone is bumping off CEOs!  Of dance!

Horror Watch: The Substance (2024)

Watched:  02/19/2025

Format:  4K disc (SimonUK's disc)

Viewing:  First

Director/ Writer:  Coralie Fargeat

Worst.  Shazam movie.  Ever.

Let me start by saying, I quite liked The Substance (2024).  I'm not sure what's going on at the Academy that this got a best picture nom, my confusion mostly stemming from the fact this is a satirical body horror movie and that sort of thing doesn't usually get nominated over Very Serious Pictures(tm) - but I am thrilled for everyone involved and for this movie getting the nod.  

I was unimpressed with the original trailer for the movie, and then after the movie came out, Simon told me he'd already seen it a few times,* and then later said he'd seen it four - and I was supposed to see it with him on his 5th viewing. However, I went to the wrong theater.  SO.  Tonight he brought over his new disc and we watched it.

On paper, this movie is what I figured from the trailers - to a point.  And it is all along the way more entertaining, bizarre, fascinating and generally better than I expected.

The only prior Coralie Fargeat movie I'd previously seen was Revenge, which I don't remember well, just that it lost me at some point and didn't win me back.  But re-reading my own review to refresh my memory - I can see a loose breadcrumb trail that led to The Substance, and what Fargeat was doing with Revenge that maybe didn't work for me but landed well with me in this instance.  

Chabert Watch! Love on Safari (2018)

Watched:  02/18/2025

Format:  DVD

Viewing:  First

Director:  Leif Bristow

Job: Web designer for corporations

new skill:  looking at giraffes, deus ex machina identification

Man: Jon Cor

Job of Man: Safari ranger

Goes to/ Returns to:  goes to South Africa

Event:  Birthday for Lacey

Food:  Cookies

First of all, Brad sucks.  

Brad is Chabert's City Man, and he prides himself on loving spreadsheets.  That's fine.  I love to spend time in Google Sheets, too.  But that and misogyny are his whole personality.  He's a gigantic tool, and we're supposed to dislike him, and, hey... mission accomplished.

Chabert plays a web developer from Chicago.  In the way that only seems to happen in movies, when a great-uncle she hasn't seen in 20 years dies, Chabert inherits a whole frikkin' animal reserve and lodge in South Africa and is now responsible for miles of bushland, the animals upon it, and the people employed by the reserve.  All without a letter or phone call from the uncle forewarning her of his plans.

Coppola Watch: The Godfather (1972)

Watched:  02/17/2025

Format:  4K disc

Viewing:  Unknown

Director:  Francis Ford Coppola

Guys...  it's possible The Godfather (1972) is a good movie.  

So, I'm not really going to review this movie.  If you were coming to this site to read whether you should watch one of the most well known and beloved movies in cinema, a game changer for American film, and a career high point and career maker for a handful of people...  I recommend you just set aside 3 hours of your misbegotten life and watch it.  

If you haven't seen Godfather and Godfather II, you're probably missing a lot of cultural references from your elders.  Just so you know.  It was hard to find a bigger, more universally beloved set of movies than these two, even during the Star Wars era.  Star Wars was for teens and kids, and Godfather was what is now prestige television for adults.

My first exposure to the film was in the summer of 1989.  We were staying with my uncle in DC and he happened to own copies of Godfather, Godfather II and Das Boot.  And each night after my folks and uncle went to bed, we watched parts of the movies and wound up watching all three.  

When we came home from DC, we watched The Godfather with some pals.  You had to watch it on two separate VHS tapes.  My guess is they split movie right after Michael shoots McCluskey and Sollozzo, but I honestly don't recall.

SNL at 50

wrapping it up at the end of the 50th Anniversary special

The past few weeks have felt like the lady in your office who declares "it's February and I celebrate my birthday... all... month... long..."  And when you don't usually celebrate your own birthday, it can feel like a lot.  

NBC has decided that Saturday Night Live's 50th Anniversary is at least as important as a general election, and so it's been non-stop hype for the anniversary and for the special that aired Sunday night (02/17/2025).  Former cast members appeared on talk-shows, in the media, and in general.  And it's been great seeing former stars of the show make appearances promoting the event and maybe reclaim some of their glory while talking to, say, Savannah Guthrie or Andy Cohen.

And I do think Saturday Night Live is an institution - maybe not the one demanding respect the way it's been insisting on for the past couple of months, but certainly SNL is the U.S.'s hub for comedy, a constant, there week after week.  It's the mountain to reach for young comedians, and it's the launching off point for some brilliant careers, and the high point for others.  It manages to comment upon culture, politics, and the zeitgeist of the moment in a way that even the late night talk shows rarely achieve with their monologues and bits.  It's hard to know how many ideas and catch-phrases that are tucked away in all of our brains as easy reference points were sourced from SNL.

The first time I ever saw any SNL, I was in 4th grade (circa 1984), and it was the night we were literally moving into our house.  My parents were assembling my bed and told us to watch TV while they quickly got furniture and blankets together.  I was about 9.*