Chabert and Walker demo how much wine you'll wish you had on hand before you start the movie |
Watched: 01/30/2025
Format: Hallmark+
Viewing: First
Director: Bradley Walsh
Location of story: somewhere near Portland, Oregon
new skill: None?
Man: Andrew W. Walker
Job of Man: Acquisitions for a wine distribution company
Goes to/ Returns to: Returns to
Event: Valentine's Wine and Food Fest
Food: wine
First of all, congrats to Lacey Chabert who just signed an exclusive deal with Hallmark which will include movies, more of her unscripted show 'Celebrations', and a product line in Hallmark stores. We'll, of course, be delving into what this means and what products at Hallmark shops carry Ms. Chabert's stamp of approval.
At the same time, she's also now the face of Purity skin cleanser. Which, yes, that makes sense.
On to WineFest.
Look, this movie was maybe not very good. It was the sort of movie where nothing works the way things work in real life, and it feels like no one involved could be bothered to learn how those things work despite the fact Google was about 18 years into its existence by the time this movie came out.
Chabert's father calls her to come home because he has news for her, and after luring her home and away from work, he chooses to refuse to tell her the news until he's at dinner with his full staff. At which point- he springs the very personal information about his decisions to retire and maybe sell the family name, land, house, cabin, business, etc... He does this without once speaking to his only child and heir to the family business.
The job of Man in this movie is to go to wineries and buy them out in order to make them part of the family of brands for a company known for "party wines", which is maybe a thing, but since I usually spend $13-18 on a bottle of something red, and drink it with dinner, I really don't know what they're talking about. I assume the market for "party wine" is the same market for those rose-gold wine tumblers that say "Mommy's Happy Juice" on them.
While the film tells us Man is a slick city-man, sales-type-of-guy - this dude would not last a day in that sort of role. He's awful and has no game. No one who wrote or directed this, or played the part, has ever seen or dealt with anyone like what they're suggesting character is, and this ain't it.
And that's part of the problem with the movie. Everyone kind of sucks because they're written that way. Chabert is her normal, chipper self most of the time, but she just hates the acquisitions guy beyond the point of reason and is just a cow to him to the point of abuse, including *after* they establish maybe he's not so bad - at least twice.
It's not that she's not doing the scene as written, but if what Chabert's doing on screen is supposed to be flirting, I have bad news, including for anyone in the audience who thinks relentlessly being a jerk to someone is adorbs. It is not.
Mostly the movie is a reminder of why I've sworn off AirBnB's as the romantic conceit of the movie is that, like You've Got Mail, Lacey Chabert passes messages (anonymously) with Man via a chalkboard without knowing Man is on the other end. In the messages, she keeps asking him to fix things after he fixes a single drawer.
Man doesn't know Lacey is the AirBnB owner. and she doesn't know he's literally the only non-resident hanging around. However, (a) she's falling for messages on a chalkboard but has no idea if it's Quasimodo or a married father of 10 or Ted Bundy on the other end of the chalk. And (b) she thinks flirting is asking Man to fix the very cottage he's staying in.
If this were anyone else but Hallmark Man, they would be on the phone with customer support trying to figure out what the @#$% was going on and looking for a refund.*
We've seen endless movies since Shop Around the Corner in which the audience knows the two people are exchanging anonymous love letters to each other, but the leads aren't in on the secret, and that's what makes it cute. But here it's just Chabert giving her guest homework and tasks. It is not cute and it's weird. They even try to do an exchange of messages that would take forever to write out in chalk about how to deal with a "jerk" and the advice is *awful*. Just horrible, damaging stuff.
Speaking of bad writing, the deal on the table is apparently *very good*. So, of course, Chabert fights it tooth and nail despite the fact she doesn't want the winery, has a life in Portland, and before the film's end, has the opportunity of a lifetime to participate in ownership of an upscale restaurant, which sale of the winery might support. Spoiler: She doesn't sell the winery, and actively makes the lives of her father's employees *worse*.
Chabert's chemistry with Man-actor Andrew W. Walker isn't the worst I've seen in a Hallmark movie, but, and I'm going to say it out loud, it is bad. Chabert has better chemistry with her ladyfriend from high school (and where is THAT movie, Hallmark?) But that may be a function of the shoot, which seems to have technical problems, like insisting on shooting outside in roaring wind (shot in Ontario in November? Jesus, movie), not lighting people well, and cinematography that screams "we did what we could" and "they wouldn't let us do things in the location so this is what we shot".
For example - this cabin? We never see a bedroom, and thus Man is sleeping on the sofa? This is the accommodation? Or... were they not allowed in the bedroom? Because it feels like they were only allowed in the living room. Also - there's an oft-used overhead shot in the Air B'n'B that made me think Norman Bates' mother was going to run out and stab Lacey Chabert.
Sometimes Chabert's make-up is inconsistent between her standing outside and her walking inside - and that may just be that she was freezing outside and the set up inside is fine. Because it's fall in Ontario and not mid-winter in Portland, there are no grapes at the vineyard, which is kind of funny. But clearly the actors are just struggling with the weather at times.
Look, I know these movies are shot in 2-3 weeks. These aren't feature films with long shoots. But... it just feels like if they're not inside at the winery all bets are off for whether they can make this work.
So what does it all mean?
I understand that some people love the notion of enemies-to-lovers (Hallmark Reddit loves this trope), and there's some deep psychology at play here that thinks it's hotter if you were at each other's throats and then your hormones took over. But that's how people IRL wind up in Red-Flag City.
Look, there's a *lot* in movies not-aimed-at-me that is taken for granted and "just how it works", but you do get a peek behind the curtain of somebody's inner-fantasies when you see the same trope played over and over. And Hallmark loves making our heroine huff and gruff at Man while we smiles disarmingly. It makes up at least 40% of the network's programming runtime.
This movie forgets that you need to give us a reason for that dam to break and the charm to win us over. Here, it absolutely is relentless one-sided sniping. This is a script issue, and with a movie that has 16 people listed with some form of a 'producer' credit, you'd think one of them would have noted that cameras should not roll and Chabert should not be brought to Canada until we get this sorted out.
The other fantasy is that the man of your heart's desire is secretly helpful. He will paint your house or fix your jacked-up AirBnB, or string Christmas lights when you aren't looking. But he will also be available for coffee. And he will do it all without complaint. In fact, he loves doing these things, and is extra excited to fix toilets if it's your toilet.
Men, are we not fixing things? Stringing lights? Jesus, Men. We need to step up. But it does tell me that maybe just doing basic shit around the house will make you into a dreamboat and wine heiresses will begin planning to sleep with you and imagining all sorts of things about you just based on your ability to use a screwdriver and wood glue and write a complete sentence. At least in the minds of the writer and producers of this movie.
*I did once fix the AC in an AirBnB! There are good reasons to get an AirBnB. I've had a very mixed bag of luck, good and bad. Recently, mostly bad. In part because it doesn't seem like anyone outfitting their place thought "does any seat in this house work if you're over 5'8"?"
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