Watched: 12/20/2024
Format: Amazon Prime
Viewing: First
Director: Glen Morgan
I watched this movie because last weekend, Brandon Z told me that he'd watched all three version of Black Christmas (I did not know there were three) and that the 2006 edition featured Mary Elizabeth Winstead (always great) and our Christmas Queen, Lacey Chabert. He did not endorse this version - just let me know: it exists.
Well, this is the opposite of a Hallmark movie, but if it has Chabert, and it's Christmas, who am I to not watch this movie?
A few years ago I watched the 1974 original version of Black Christmas (2006) and it scared the bejeezus out of me. THAT is a horror film. It leaves us with unknowns, an uncaught murderer who we never fully see, no motivation... it's just... people getting popped off one-by-one and because of how college worked in a pre-internet/ pre-cell-phone era, when people weren't around, you just assumed they were okay until you heard otherwise.
This movie is bad. It feels like it has no idea what worked in the original film, and made it smaller and less believable and went for gore over the terror of a guy slowly picking off unsuspecting sorority girls. It changes it into a Halloween movie, but if Michael Meyers' thing was being mistaken for a banana.* It even ends like Halloween 2 instead of leaving us with the absolute spine chiller of the original's conclusion.
Full stop - I am well known for face blindness with young Hollywood talent, male and female. There was a hot minute where I thought Eva Green and Emily Blunt were the same person circa 2006. So throw a sorority house full of girls at me who have no discernible personalities, different wardrobes or even really have blemishes, and my only hope for knowing who they are is "that one wears glasses" and that one is "MEW". But I literally couldn't tell you how many girls were in the house, who they were, what their stories were, etc... But, yes, I did look at IMDB and vaguely remember Michelle Trachtenberg. But if they're all the same person, plus Andrea Martin, it makes it hard to care about anyone but Andrea Martin.
And... look, MEW wasn't quite a thing yet in 2006, but Chabert kind of was. So it's weird she has like 10 lines and is shoved in the background. She's kind of funny in this.
As mentioned - awesomely, this movie *does* have Andrea Martin in it as a new character - the house mother. And we love Andrea Martin. Glad to see her. And - because it's the writer/ director's wife, we also have Kristen Cloake, who is not a bad actor, btw, but it seems like she's hung up her acting guns.
This movie isn't scary. 1974's Black Christmas is so spooky, it's going to take some effort for me to watch it again. This one is what you always see me complain about - jump scares in place of scares. There's no real mood. The backstory is just dumb and in no way an improvement - especially the post-Scream two-killer reveal (whoops, spoilers). And the last act in the hospital just sucks.
I don't know why this exists. And I don't blame the talent. The people I do know in this are fine actors, so it's not them. A quick look at wikipedia shows the problem was likely The Weinsteins. So. There you go. Something else they made horrible.
I do not think I will watch the 2019 version unless there's a very pressing reason to do so.
*there's some liver problem we're told he has, and that it makes him yellow. It looks *ridiculous*
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