Watched: 05/28/2024
Format: Netflix
Viewing: First
Director: Who knows? I bet he's named "Brad". That seems like the name of a schmo who would make this
When I saw the trailer for Atlas (2024), I sent it to Jamie with the comment "this looks like they actually made a movie that would have been discussed in cut scenes on 30 Rock.". Like, Jenna would have missed out on being in the AI robot movie because JLo stole the part from her, and she really wanted to be in the movie to meet Simu Liu (who would cameo).
Right now, this movie is at a 17% on Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic has it at a 38. So it's not wildly critically adored. But someone liked it.
I watched this movie for a few reasons.
- I don't watch many straight-to-Netflix movies and, given the algorithmically driven nature of their business, I was curious what a Netflix movie looks like in 2024.
- I like stories about robots and AI. Probably because I came up on Asimov and Blade Runner, but I have genuine concerns about how we'll deploy robots when and if artificial intelligence makes them useful.
- I like Simu Liu and think Hollywood has sidelined him in ways I don't understand. He's a charismatic, handsome guy who works as a lead in action, comedy and drama.* And I want the algorithm to point producers to Simu Liu as a reason I will watch a movie. And Sterling K Brown. That dude is great.
- I am not angry about a movie's runtime spent with JLo. There are worse fates in this world.
My takeaway is that the hyperbole about this movie being super awful is unwarranted. Y'all show up for plenty of bad movies and are fine with movies with worse set ups and plot holes. Honestly, this would have been huuuuuge in the 1990's at the height of The Dumb-Ass Blockbuster.
So, the movie is just mediocre. And I think maybe it's the frustration that there may be a smart movie hiding in here somewhere that is driving some folks crazy. Other people are just mad about JLo for reasons I cannot fathom. But it also is one of those sci-fi movies where you just keep saying "that shit doesn't make any sense" over and over and over.
Firstly - why is the lead character named Atlas? No, I know why, because the movie wants for her to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders for stuff revealed in the third act (that they telegraph the shit out of in the second). But that's not actually the myth of Atlas. Atlas chose the wrong side in the war of Titans vs Olympians and was condemned to hold up the *sky*. That weight he's bearing isn't Earth, it's the celestial sphere. And our lead has not chosen the wrong side in a war, nor has she been condemned because of this decision to hold up space.
So, it's misunderstood stuff a wikipedia read could have managed. But instead the movie is just dumb like that.
We're also forced to ask: Why would you make robots that look exactly like humans?
"Well, fuck you for asking" says the movie, which will not answer this question no matter how obvious. But I strongly suspect it's because CGI robots are more expensive than the humans they hired. But it's never explained why roboticists would ever make Terminator robots for household use. And it makes even less sense when you consider Liu's "Harlan" (probably in honor of Harlan Ellison?) has made his own army of robots. (My theory is that JLo's Mom was making a robot boyfriend).
Like, it seems like a matter of efficiency to specifically not make robots human in appearance both on Earth and then when Harlan has gone to his all-robot planet. The nice thing about making and engineering your descendants is that if you think your kid could use 16 arms, each with a laser, and a jet instead of a butt, that's what you make.
But this is also the kind of movie that says hyper intelligent robots still place their brain in their head (why? They don't need lungs or a heart or any of that) and then go into battle fully armored (why? Just be armored) except for their head (triple why?). Also - why have a robot army of humanoids on a planet in deep space at all?
The plot essentially makes no sense.
JLo plays a robot psychologist? (shades of Susan Calvin) who works for the Robo Patrol (who goes by ICAN, but I don't know what it stands for). 30 years prior, her mother built a robot, Harlan (Simu Liu) who went rogue and infected other robots. After a war that was not good, Harlan heads for Alpha Centauri (sigh).
One of Harlan's robo-partners is found in LA, and this tells ICAN where to go get him. So, the crew from Aliens goes into space to go capture him because for reasons, they want his CPU. However, when they show up, Harlan just murders them all. This is a spoiler, but if you don't see this coming, you're dumber than the space rangers who think going to an alien planet for a rogue super intelligent robot is going to be a breeze.
So, JLo/ Atlas winds up in a Mecha with an AI she refuses to bond with. Until they do bond. Which is all that sweet little AI wants, gosh darn it.
In our flashback, after peering into the mind of a 10-year-old, Harlan decides that a near extinction of humanity is the only solution - with robots leading the way for the survivors. But "we have problems to fix and haven't" is a hell of a reason to, within minutes, decide to execute your creator and her child/ your sister. But okay. That humanity has gone on to continue to neurolink with robots without incident seems... like bullshit? That humanity is not wildly twitchy about household AI and machine learning and we see it embedded everywhere on Earth seems... like I'd have like a line or three about how they now controlled it on Earth.
And, of course, as I run out of steam - once they've spotted the location of our villain, why not just ship nukes to the planet and make it glass? I understand they want Harlan's brain, but that's why researchers leave notes and blue prints. It's not a kid fucking about with a chemistry set and accidentally making a permanent dye they can never remove (sorry, Mom).
JLo is not bad as the aforementioned Atlas. I like her as a scientist type. I buy that she's an asocial nerd. She has to spend an hour of the movie by herself talking to Polite Guy Siri, and it's not as awful as you'd think.
What is dumb is that she works in AI and robotics and yet has to have the AI (Smith, played by some guy) explain itself to her. Like... that's for the dumbs in the back. Why not have her extrapolate from what she knows instead of just shouting at Siri repeatedly?
Anyway, this is essentially a romantic comedy between JLo and her AI pal. It exactly follows those beats. So. Buckle in, because sooner or later you're going to ask "are these two going to bone?"
I have no idea what the budget was on this movie, but minus our lovely star, the movie looks like a high-end video game made by people with a staggering lack of imagination.
Like, the movie looks *bad* while also looking perfectly cromulent. This is what happens when you think of most of the movie as Halo cut screens or some shit. There are occasional shots where you think "this looks kind of okay, and also like Thomas Kinkaid painting a video game setting." Which is probably a feature for someone. I thought it was boring. You don't have to make boring planets. See: Avatar.
This movie is most frustrating as it presents some intriguing ideas that never get to the forefront in favor of smashy smashy ka-pow. I dunno. I think I was ready for a clever Blade Runner movie with J Lo Susan Calvining her way through events. And I think she'd be great at that. She's fine in this as spam-in-a-can. But.
Anyway - this is way more than I meant to write on this, but if you were coming for 90 minutes of JLo, this movie is way, waaaay too long and is 2 hours. So... pace yourself.
*Liu is also a "most likely to jump his bones" candidate from many people I know who would jump a dude's bones. This alone seems like a reason to put him in movies if you want money.
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