End of DCEU Watch: Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023)

Watched: 05/30/2024

Format:  Max

Viewing:  First

Director:  James Wan

So, this poor movie had to come out even knowing that the DCEU was dead, killed by the investment opportunity that was Black Adam (considered a failure at $340+ million).  This movie would go on to make $434 million over a year later, and after it was announced DC was ending this particular continuity and starting over.

Meanwhile, our co-star of the first film had a very public divorce trial in which everyone looked *terrible*.  

I didn't really like the first Aquaman, so I was going to just wait for Max for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom (2023), which I did.  But I thought I'd also treat you to my play-by-play as I watched the movie, as there's nothing to be gained by actually trying to discuss this as a movie.

Here we go:

1. Ugh. The lousy CG intro of the DC thing is and was always so bad
2. Oh, legit pirates!  
3. Oh, wow.  Storm the giant sea-horse!  Aquaman's steed!  We're going all in.
4. In real life, talking to Fish would be mind-boggling.  No one would think it was funny aside from Jay Leno-types.  
5. These pirates only have melee weapons and took a whole cargo liner?  That seems unlikely.
6. Oh no.  Arthur Jr.  Well, I read the comics and...
7. Mmm... Amber Heard and her complicated recent history.
8. Huh.  Orm looks more like Aquaman than Aquaman.
9. Why does the Council of Houses look exactly like the Kryptonian Council?
10. Wonder if Prince William just fucks off and drives motorcycles...
11. Well, I like the baby talking to fishes.
12. Oh, damn.  We're just now to the title...  This is going to be a long movie.
13. Ah.  So, the guy who plays Black Manta absolutely talked shit about the first movie in public and here he is.
14. So, wait, why isn't he fixing his suit?  It was *always* based on Atlantean tech?  Boooo....  I hate that.
15. Oh, right.  Randall Park!  The all-purpose good-dude.
16. Remember when James Wan wanted to make a movie just about the mean fish guys in the first one?  ha ha ha ha
17. Well, sure is convenient that where they landed in this crack in the ice has a perfectly flat floor.
18. What's a little Antarctic exploration without Cthulian horrors?  Oh, James Wan.  You scamp.  Nothing like a tentacle to just slither around nonsenically but very exactly.
19. Wait, so Black Manta was like ten minutes away?  
20. Not all movies dealing with lost civilizations are equal
21. oh, dang.  Magic fork.
22. LOL.  What the fuck is that?  THAT'S their evil spirit guy Big Bad?  lol.  oh, DC.  That design suuuuuucks.  You're not even trying.
23. Not sure we need another "if you have a magic item, you will rule things, and it will all look horrible" vision planted in the brain of the bad guy who gets jazzed about making Earth a shithole 
24. James Wan is amazingly aggressive about moving the camera.  Who cares about motivation or storytelling.  Just move that bastard!
25. We need to talk about about Mera's Manic Panic hair color.
26. Plague!  For Atlanteans!  Heck of choice during COVID.  And not a single undersea mask.
27. Only one council person gets to talk, so the rest are mute extras just looking disappointed in fish make-up.  I feel bad for those actors.
28. Aquaman hiding out at his Dad's house non-stop is super weird
29. I guess Willem Defoe was not coming back.  Alas.  Is that why they added in the whole plague subplot?
30. Whoa.  Black Manta's ship is neat
31. Why on EARTH does he have guards?  Just standing there. In his ship.  That's kooky.  What are they guarding?
32. This is quite the exposition dump, Randall Park
33. This movie feels like it's being told in the wrong order, btw.  This Octobot thing should be the first sequence.
34. Meesa think we've seen this ship design before bombad time ago
35. I'm so confused.  Where was the vault?  Where are we?  Why are we off Atlantis I-45?
36. Okay, I kinda love Nicole Kidman on a neon robot shark
37. Sharks with frikkin' lasers!
38. Oh.  Oh my.  Is Black Manta all CGI underwater?  That looks awful.
39. lol.  That is not how things sink, my dudes
40. Okay, a lot to unpack here.
1. Atlantis looks pretty neat here.  When I complained after watching Atlas that it was uncreative, this is kind of the opposite of that.  There's a thousand design ideas in every frame.  I don't know or care if it's practical stuff, but it looks good in the moment.  Giant turtle vessel?  SURE.  Jellyfish building?  Yes, please.
2. I'm not sure the physics work very well.  We all know about water, so it would be good to acknowledge how, like, things sink.  And it is not an accelerative death plummet with flames. 
41. Oh, hey, there's Dolph.
42. Literally what is happening with Kidman's eyebrows and make-up?  She looks super weird.  Maybe it's the white hair, but...  
43. This looks curiously like people green screened together rather than a room where they put actors together.  I'm kind of thinking... these actors were never in the same room.
44. TOPO!
45. lol.  James Wan does not know how to just do things normally.  Not just guards - DRACULA GUARDS who look dumb AF
46. Wait, so Orm can just live in a desert?
47. Pausing the movie to say:  this really seems like a Justice League problem.  Like, if you know there's a guy with a super submarine who is going to destroy the whole planet, this isn't a "it's a local problem" situation.  Like, call Superman and Batman.  Get the band together.  This whole thing would be solved in 45 minutes.  But not a line about why we're not doing that.
48. This whole break out scene is narratively pointless, but it's also dumb.
49. So Aquaman has to murder all of these guards or else it will get back to his allies he forcibly broke his traitorous brother out of their prison.  Amazing job, story.
50. Every time the actors have to actually deal with water, it's hilarious.  People move like crap in the water, so just wading into the ocean suddenly takes you out of the movie.  Why would they use that shot?
51. I wish the bottom of the sea really looked like this instead of... sand.  It's so colorful and pretty and fun, like how I wanted to make an aquarium with all the blacklight stuff you could buy at the pet store in the 1980's.
52. Oh, my.  The Pirate bar.  
1. I don't know how you serve "drinks" in the ocean
2. It occurs to me this is oddly 2-dimensional thinking.  Why not have layers and stories to your bar if you're under water?
3. Why does the fish singer look like a straight up cartoon?
53. This is the delightful thing about comics.  All this goofy shit is happening on the same planet where Batman is running around in pointy ears and punching crooks.
54. Martin Short?  (yes, that's Martin Short)
55. I know we're a decade into this, but I still find the "Aquaman as a doofy everyman" schtick utterly bizarre.  I know it plays well in fly-over-land and with the kids, but it's exhausting hearing Aquaman talk about a cheeseburger and a pint of Guinness, like he's a regular at college bars.  Hearing him talk about pizza as 'za is just... not for me.  
56. So, we have 3/4ths of the Earth as our playground for these movies and we're in the desert and a jungle island.  I mean, it just feels... lazy?
57. I was literally wondering why Black Manta only had one suit.  Good on him for learning and planning ahead.  
58. The movie pointing out the first movie is dumb is either great or a terrible idea
59.  So, this movie is just lots and lots of action scenes piled on top of each other, and I'm starting to get my own version of superhero fatigue.  Like, every sequence has some interesting design, I guess.  I'm watching Aquaman and Orm fight Ocotobots in a refinery cave.  This should be great.  On paper, what an idea!  But it all just feels like you're waiting for it to end so we can get to the next sequence.  I should be super engaged and amazed at what I see, and worry about the characters.  But I'll be honest...  I just don't care about any of this.  I know they'll be fine not just because they're the good guys, but because these sequences are just about finding the right lever to pull so the unstoppable bad guy goes down.  And we're on like our third or fourth one of those.  There's just no actual danger and won't be until they face off with Black Manta, and even then...
60. I don't know why this movie feels so hollow, exactly, but I kind of have to point back to Aquaman talking about 'Za.  There's just no sincerity to anything, or investment by even our leads. Because the writers, producers and director don't care, and Momoa does not give a shit.
61. Well, at least Manta looks cool.
62. Seems like a design flaw that touching the evil trident makes you watch a YouTube video
63. Wait, Randall Park survived a gigantic, concussive fireball?  Y'okay.  This is why I just shrug about this movie.
64. Why are they sitting out of the water for this conversation?  That's like us going into space for a quick chat.
65. Oh no.  This movie really is just a poor man's soggy Lord of the Rings.
66. LOL.  The environment!  Vibes of Birdemic.  Such as seals.
67. Manta left Boba Fett alive in a burning house..?  So Aquaman could *find* him dying?  Man, he must have known they were right on his ass.
68. This is why I don't have kids.  They're just little hostages to be used against you.
69. I find the idea there are decorative stairs in a submarine... unlikely.
70. It's kinda weird they never brought in Aqualad.  But this movie doesn't know what to do with the characters it has.
71. "Missile Armed" was in English?  Isn't this thing 10,000 years old?
72. I feel so bad for this actress who is the #2 to Black Manta.  She only gets to yell out directives.
73. Oh, damn.  I didn't know my Whale Song CD was so dangerous.
74. I literally can't tell who is supposed to be underwater in any given scene.
75. Oh no.  Is this movie all about the power of family?
76. Wait, why didn't Manta use his laser eyes?  Or the laser staff?
77. I wonder if this is the frozen ghost from the Ghostbusters movie?
78. Pretty big words about being brothers together when you left your bro in a hole for 4 years
79. Wow, of the stupid looking DC villains, this guy takes the cake.  That just sucks so bad.  Why?
80. So, super easy.  Barely an inconvenience.
81. Gotta be a disappointment for the villain with the goofy name.  Frozen for like 10,000 years, free for a minute and then he dies.  Which... seems like Atlan just was bad at his job.
82. Yeah, there's a sky beam, I think.  Or at least one threatened.
83. "I am Aquaman!"  Oh, that was just fucking sad.  What a horrible way to wrap up the DCEU.  You could write 10,000 words on the endless chasing of Marvel that DC did, and how tone deaf they were from day 1.  And to do it IN the movie?
84. These Marvel credits are also totally unearned.
85. Yeah, eating a roach.  Nice way to keep it classy to the last frame of the franchise, DC.

So, that movie was a thing that happened.  I've seen worse.  But it's also the coda on Warner Bros attempt to ape Marvel and have their own little shared universe of superheroes, something they demonstrated they were incapable of handling from the first movie.  

To see them actually just say "fuck it, let's just reference Marvel movies in this movie" was wiiiiiild.  But with the foreknowledge this franchise was boned, they were able to just end it however they wanted, with no consideration to sequels or the rest of the DCEU, which did make the last minutes kind of unusually pleasant for a DC movie.   

And I'll add, they also kind of conspicuously hedged their bets and didn't discuss the Justice League or bring in Gal Gadot for a cameo or anything.  I think folks were still feeling out whether they could bring Aquaman along into the new movies (they will not).  

But, man, for as much as people nitpick Marvel movies these days, this thing is a heaping pile, storywise.  Just a lazy retread of better things anchored by Patrick Wilson, who I guess they realized they had to bring back if this movie was going to stand a chance to holding together.  But this was what DC was putting out in the end.  Which is probably worth a post to cover the legacy of the whole thing.