Indy Watch: Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

Watched:  01/102/2024

Format:  Disney+

Viewing:  First

Director:  James Mangold

Selection:  Jamie

I was aware that the critical consensus and box office on Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023) was not good.  Neither of those things are much a deterrent for me for watching or enjoying a movie (see the many Godzilla posts on this site), but it did catch me by surprise when it happened.  After the fan-lambasting and luke-warm critical reception of the last time Ford revisited the character in Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull, I figured if Disney was going to go back to the well and offer another movie (after that one at least had the decency to give us a particularly happy ending for Indy), they'd be working to make sure that this one was well worth the return for cast and fans alike.

At the top, this wasn't what I would have hoped for in a big-screen return of Indy.  If you liked it, and many people did, just a heads up.  But, as always, I am not here to tell you what to like or not to like, just how I took in the movie.

The thing I was not expecting out of an Indiana Jones film was to feel bored.  And at well over two hours...  that's a lot of looking at my watch.

There was a big opportunity here for Disney, owners of the Lucasfilm output, as Crystal Skull was widely disliked and a new finale to the series could revive the franchise somehow, maybe get some life/ money out of the franchise yet.  But, the window is closing on the value of that license with Ford now a guy in his 80's and the horrific realization that - just like Star Wars - there was going to be a response somewhere between "meh" and "you ruined my childhood" with a recast of the role.  

All they could really do was hope to test the waters on a new action hero to carry the torch, and the obvious choice was (checks notes) Fleabag's Phoebe Waller-Bridge.  And maybe they could keep Ford around for another picture or two to cement the hand-off.   

I don't know if that was the plan, but, man, the movie really leaned into wanting you to find Waller-Bridge's character an equal (or better!) to Indiana Jones.   The ten year plan can't be "count on a guy in his 80's to still jump around in 2032".

But that's speculation.  Looking at Dial of Destiny, the movie didn't work for me in a few fundamental ways:

1.  The absolute absence of character beats for anyone but Indy

2.  The belief that nothing has to make sense if you just keep the movie going

3.  The action sequences, which are many and long, are mostly boring/ tedious

Look, there's a thing some directors do, which I first really noticed it in Peter Jackson's King Kong, and that's just putting hats on hats on hats on action sequences, making the sequences crazier and crazier.  And with Indiana Jones, famous for action-adventure, I understand the instinct.  But this movie does two things that don't really work- 

It mistakes increasing the craziness of what is happening on screen with elevating the action ex:  now it's a horse!  In a subway!  Dodging trains!  - but that's not what Spielberg did.  That's not escalating the action and stakes.  It's just... having a five year old sit next to you and say "and then, guess what?  Indy steals a horse and rides it.  And then, guess what?  Indy rides the horse down into the subway.  And then, guess what?"  

And, yes, the prior films had magical gold boxes, but mostly, physics held in the prior movies.  Or the illusion of physics.  Which was sorely lacking here and should have ended the movie in the first ten minutes when Mad Mikkelsen's face atop a train (unstoppable force) meets metal train support (immovable object).  Or any single moment of the car chase in Tangiers.  

But this ties directly into the movie just not bothering to explain itself or make sense.  

(deep breath)

How is the moon-landing mathematician completely wrong about what the device will do?  Why doesn't he test it like a scientist before making his Nazis put on their little costumes?  How is Indy flying around - on what money?  Why doesn't he take Sallah?  Why does anyone think he killed anyone in New York?  Why is he in New York?  Surely he had tenure at Chicago.  Why did Helena have her sale in the one hotel on the planet that would cause her trouble?  Why was Mad Mikkelsen's plan so dumb?  Where did his Nazis come from in Sicily, where Mads did not know he was going?  Does he always have a bomber and coterie of Nazis on hand at all times?  Why did the Italian pilot not wake up earlier?  And why didn't he forcibly move his plane away from a tear in time and space?  How did Indy get back from Sicily to New York?  And why didn't he wake up?  And if he didn't wake up, why didn't Helena rush him to a hospital?  Were we not supposed to know that the Dial was a time-travel device?  Because the movie suggested at some point way late in the game that this was a huge reveal.  Just as they suggested the Nazi's plan to go back and be even more of a Nazi was treated as a surprise.  How are the Nazis always five minutes behind our heroes?  Does it not occur to Indy to just throw them off the trail somehow? Or stop moving if he's leading them to their goal?   How did a bridge made of rope and wood last 2000 years in a wet cave with rushing water? Why is Helena a good 5'10" when her dad is Toby Jones?  Did they kill off Mutt because... well, how he was received while being lined up to be the next Indy?  Why is Indy teaching during the moon-landing parade, which took place August 13, 1969, when everyone knows Hunter College is on a standard semester schedule, meaning Indy's students are attending class between sessions?  And WORLD FAMOUS Indy was retired during a surprise party attended by secretaries and like 2 faculty?  Were we supposed to think eels are snakes?  Is that what the movie wanted?  And if not, why was there not a single snake in this movie?  Why?  WHY?

This movie cost almost $300 million, and it feels like either way too many people wrote it, or one person wrote it and it never got a second read before it went to production.  These aren't fun "oh well, it's a movie" plot-holes.  These are fairly big questions.  But if you are dazzled by a horse not breaking its fetlock in the subways system of New York, then I guess you're going to just let this shit fly by.  But, look, maybe less "and then, guess what?" and maybe more attention to your script.  

People bitch about Marvel, but Marvel - until recently - spent a huge amount of effort making sure you weren't getting distracted by this sort of thing.  And, kids, once it started, I got distracted.  I am a forgiving guy, I'll put up with a lot - if the movie is entertaining and I like the folks on screen.

But, man, I just watched a 2.5 hour movie in which Disney tried to get me excited about "Helena Shaw, mercenary archaeologist" and I can't tell you one thing about her other than she has no capacity for self-reflection and she likes money.  Which is not the most charming combo of traits.  And, no, flashing an impish smile every minute or so doesn't paper that over.  And, even when asked why she was partnered with a kid sorely in need of a Norelco, the movie doesn't tell us.  There's supposed to be subtext there, but... there isn't?  Other than "boy, people, liked Short Round.  Let's do that."

   

If the plan was to make Helena someone I cared about or wanted to see again as a lead, that didn't happen.  Indy seems irritated that she's even shown up and that never goes away, so there's your POV.  And it's so telegraphed where she's headed, you're just checking your watch - but the decision to stop chasing riches is never triggered by anything.  Not wanting Indy to die and not wanting money are not the same thing.  I also, within this movie, was fine with that being the last I saw of the character - ie: to me, one great part of a movie like this is just wanting to spend time with the characters, and I didn't get that here from our secondary lead.  I know it's controversial, but writing and directing nifty action scenes (which this film didn't really have) is only part of the job.

If the movie had some saving grace, it was a reminder that, when given five seconds to not be jumping around via CGI, Harrison Ford is a remarkably nuanced actor.  Like, he genuinely just crushes you in a few scenes, and then the movie picks up and is off to the races again, ignoring its emotional core. 

I didn't hate the movie, but it was probably the Indiana Jones swan song, and that's a bummer.  Last Crusade finished it all perfectly, and we should have stayed there.  And while this movie didn't just make me groan out loud the way parts of Crystal Skull did, all I genuinely really liked was maybe the two minutes with Marion at the end where two actors were acting in a scene.  

Clearly, I have not gotten too old for action movies - but I've never much liked the Mission Impossible  movies because those movies are about stapling together some high-concept action sequences and little else.  If you asked anyone what any individual movie is about, I sincerely doubt they could tell you.  Or why Ethan Hunt and Co. are where they are in any given scene.  And this was that.  And that's not what the original trilogy was.

All I can say is that I wish Disney had tried less to make a modern-movie Indy movie (a crazy idea, anyway, when Indy was a throwback to serial adventure to begin with) and had tried to look at what made the original trilogy tick.  Pacing, character, story, action, adventure, humor...  genuine thrills.  And this wasn't that. 

It was okay to live in a world with no new Indiana Jones, but here we are.