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| no, not Matt Berry. And, no - it's not clear who gave those awards |
Watched: 12/24/2023
Format: Amazon
Viewing: First, and, God willing, last
Director: Some asshat
Los Angeles/ Hollywood always strikes me as one of two places in America where dreams don't just go to die, they mutate. (The other is Las Vegas, but that's a completely different thing.)
Folks head out west to get into the motion picture business, and find out that maybe they haven't got the talent, social skills, what-have-you to make it in movies. Sure, you can chalk it up to luck, too, I guess. But, also, some people are just ridiculous. And, so, Hollywood always seems to have this weird underbelly of people looking for their shot. And sometimes they go ahead and make their own shot happen, which - if you believe the Hollywood story - is what you've got to do. But, I watch a lot of not-great movies, and I'm here to say, you really don't have to take that shot.
It's sort of one thing when it's your neighborhood community theater wanting to put on a show. It always feels like it's entirely another thing when it's some dudes with a shady life track record who decide to make a Christmas movie and sell it in foreign markets desperate for content. Now, Christmas in Hollywood (2014) isn't as bad as the completely "we are not trying" stuff like A Talking Cat?!?!?! or Santa's Summer House,* I thin there's some effort here, but... it's not exactly anything to go on anyone's reel. And it shows the same bizarre conceptualization/ contempt for Christmas as big budget Christmas film. Only without the writing and actors to smooth it over for mass consumption.
I am absolutely certain digging into who the people are who made this movie and why they made it is infinitely more interesting than the movie itself.
For example, writer/ director/ star/ songwriter Bertie Higgins had a semi-hit song in 1982 that I am pretty sure I remember hearing during the Yacht Rock craze a few years back. Apparently he's a wheel in the Florida music scene, a sort of local Jimmy Buffet with a pirate theme? Co-writer/ director/ Star Darren Dowler has and IMDB page full of "Agent #3" and "Stevie's Dad" credits, and one of those websites you look at and you gotta admire the hustle.
Both are menacingly terrible in the movie. This is their dialog and direction, so I assume what we see on screen is what was intended. Up to and including their invasion of the Hollywood Christmas Parade, which is included during the credits. It's wild.
But they're cast against a young man playing way too young for what is probably a 13-year-old kid. And he can't really act so much as state lines. One will notice he didn't do anything after this movie - and he cut a record the year or two before, but it's like weird showtunes, and one he did with the aforementioned Bertie Higgins.
I can only imagine what weird shellgames were happening behind the scenes.
There's this odd desire by the movie to connect the lead to China for absolutely no story reason. Like, I don't know if they were seeking Chinese investment or distribution. But I think casting a kid from China and not the US might have helped. Like, there was zero reason for the complicated backstory at the beginning about a dead mom and cute aunt. And the streets of Shanghai clearly being a regular LA neighborhood park.
But early in the final credits, there's a listing of someone tied to "Rising Star China" that seems to have its fingers in innumerable things, trying to connect China to the US. And there's someone else who has some oddball business dealings, including high end private schools in the Caribbean.
The movie is Rated G, which clearly should not be true as there's a weird 5 minute insertion of zombies and ghosts that is 1000% the best part of the movie. And for decades a G rating has been reserved for stuff for literally toddlers.
But the story of the movie is that Santa tells a kid he has to make 3 people believe in Christmas Spirit or his father's restaurant will fail. Which... that's insane, Santa. But so is pairing this kid with the Uncle who has clearly done time, and an "elf" who is clearly someone's dad who has to see his kids only under court supervision. So, we get the B story of a bartender who hates Christmas and who did time for stealing presents for his daughter, and the cop who put him away and then dated the daughter's mom. It is so unnecessarily dark and complicated. But, these maniacs fix it with persistence and a toy train.
And then they scare the living shit out of a bank manager for exercising his legal right to call in a loan on a failing business. Which is awesome. That shit was cuh-razy and inappropriate and not Rated-G.
"How is this tied to Hollywood?" you may ask. And I wish I could tell you. They are in the greater LA area, and there are shots of the three leads who somehow made their way into the always-disappointing Hollywood Christmas Parade. And at one point the movie suggests that one pass between all the major studios, Hollywood Boulevard, and other locales between their home and school if they go by foot.
Anyway, it's always weird to see a full-length thing that is clearly not intended for US broadcast TV, cable or movie theaters. And, yet, it has some not-free special FX, a full size mast-ship at one point, sets, locations, too many characters, and what I'll admit is a very nice pirate costume.
But I'm still skeptical of the $4 million price tag on the film, and I suspect someone pocketed a lot of money from China.
*both shot in a Malibu house Cinemax late night enthusiasts will immediately recognize
Ow.
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