Amazon Watch Party Watch: Krull (1983)

Watched:  05/20/2022

Format:  Amazon Watch Party

Viewing:  Unknown

Decade: 1980's

Director: Peter Yates

Even as a kid, I had no real affinity for Krull (1983).  It arrived as part of the fantasy movie blitz of the 1980's, and I didn't see it in the theater.  The trailer had some interesting imagery, but I just didn't watch it.  At some kid's birthday, I watched the Fire Mares part of the movie, said internally "what the @#$% is this?", but wasn't super interested.  But, as a kid with time on his hands and a VCR, eventually I watched the film.  However, most of my memories of the story itself are from a comic book adaptation I picked up somewhere.  I think we only bought the first issue.  

About 16 years ago, Columbia House was in its death throes and had moved into DVD's.  I gave it a whirl and picked up 11 DVDs for $11 or whatever, and among my pickings was Krull.  Jamie and I tried to watch it, and I decided "this is boring" and we didn't try again.   On a rewatch, I am not sure why we thought it was boring.  It's not.  That's not really the crime to which the movie could be held accountable.

In fact, it's a very, very pretty movie.  The sets are immaculate and gigantic.  The exteriors are all over Europe in lovely pastoral settings.  There's some truly fantastic visual stuff happening, and in a lot of ways, the movie is genuinely well-directed when it slows down to have a beat or two.  The director, Peter Yates, is no slouch and did one of my favorite new-to-me films from the past few years, The Friends of Eddie Coyle, which could not be more different if Yates had physically been trying to get as far away from that movie as possible.

But, real talk, they kinda forgot to give anyone but the asshole wizard any personality beyond the thinnest layers atop an archetype.  It's weird.  There's an exposition guy who tells the "prince" what to do.  The price is princely (read:  nice but dim), and the wise old man is wise.  The stoic cyclops is stoic.  Perhaps because the actor cannot see and therefore cannot move.  

The movie wanders from set piece to set piece, but never remembers to tell us who the villains are, what they're doing, and if it's any worse than apparently constantly warring kingdoms.  We get told things, but we don't know them through visual experience.  It's not even checking off boxes of "this goes in a fantasy movie".  There's a whole, deeply psychologically screwed up scene 2/3rds of the way into the film about a previously unseen and unmentioned lady played by Paul Atreides uncomfortably-smokin' mom from Lynch's Dune, who work through the traumatic past she and exposition guy share.  It is absolutely buckwild and feels like it's been imported from an entirely different and better movie.  And then we're back to jumping at Clydesdales or some shit.  

I dunno.  Star Wars made it really clear how you do this stuff, and that's by having either well-drawn or deeply relatable characters you get within two beats.  This movie just throws piles of sweaty guys at us, and I never knew who was who or why they were who they were.  Maybe it doesn't matter.  After all, the movie also doesn't tell us what the villain is up to other than being a dick.  There's a princess, and she's a pretty girl, which is her character.

What could stand some explanation gets none.  We're told the two warring kingdoms hate each other, but the kids have decided to get married to join the kingdoms to fight the evil bad guys.  How do they know each other?  Did they go to Royal High School together or something?  

Other questions:  where is every body?  We see a lot of geography but no towns, villages, farms, etc... I mean, the Kingdom they're so worried about and the prophecy that the child of the prince with the surprisingly squeaky voice and his lady with the amazing hair will rule the galaxy seems... like bullshit. These people don't even have rotary phones or wheels.  There's no sign of a good ice cream parlor anywhere.  

I guess if you declare:  I am the King of the Galaxy!  you sure can be, buddy.  I mean, who would dispute it?  It's not like you have telescopes to look out on the cosmos to see who would disagree with you.

Also, at no point in the movie, does anyone say the word "Krull", so good luck sorting out what a Krull is in this context-free wizardly sci-fi nonsense.  And do not get me started on how awkward the stupid glaive thing seems to be, and why it was sitting in lava.  I mean.