An Open Letter to The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences: An Idea for 2014

I tuned into the Oscars Sunday night for a few minutes to catch Adele sing Skyfall (a song I quite like in its own right), and ,later, accidentally at one point to hear Seth MacFarlane bomb on a joke about Rex Reed that really just beat around the bush taking a poke at Adele for being on the curvier side.  At this point, I turned off the Oscars.  And, no, I have no plans to watch next year.

Literally billions of people watch the telecast, clearly not caring that it's just absolutely miserable television, and I don't think I remember anyone being satisfied with a host since Billy Crystal was in his hey-day.  I have to assume Seth MacFarlane's sense of humor was a weird fit, just as whatever happened that year when James Franco and, I think, Anne Hathaway (is that right?) hosted.

I have no idea.  The last Oscars telecast I watched I believe was hosted by David Letterman.

But, Academy, I think I have your solution.  I know how to set this right.

In 2014, hire The Admiral as your host and show producer.  He's retired and he needs a project.

This man is TV gold

The Admiral would be no more nor less offbeat than Seth MacFarlane, but he doesn't work blue and his comedy stylings - when they happen - are never mean spirited.  I believe his favorite comedian may be Henny Youngman, if you're looking for influences.

It is true that he won't know who any of the nominated actors are who are under the age of 50, and I can guarantee The Admiral will be scouring the crowd hoping to catch sight of Ann-Margret, but I think that's entirely to your telecast's advantage.  The Admiral is all class, all the time, at least until you put him next to Halle Berry in a form-fitting gown, and then you might get a flustered "whoa-ho!  Someone is dressed up!".*

Hasn't the world seen enough of hosts who pretend they know who these people are or that they've actually seen the movies?  The Admiral never puts on airs, and he's honest to a fault.  He will most certainly apologize to everyone who comes up on the stage for not making the time for their movie, but he and my mother have been very busy with their retiree dinner clubs and whatnot.

Academy, nobody goes all in like The Admiral when it comes to volunteering for and tackling projects he has little to no understanding of, and somehow still making it work.  You should have seen the entirely too much effort he put into my Pinewood Derby racer in 1982.

You guys think you know what you're doing, but, let's get real...  every single thing you've tried for a decade has been kind of embarrassing.  Just hand that thing over to The Admiral, and he'll have it running ship-shape in no time, and he'll probably even give good advice to the set designers.**

As host, so long as he's allowed a glass of a good red, preferably a Shiraz, he'll be fine.  He's great with people he doesn't know, he's a good listener, and he'll keep his eye on his watch to make sure we're all running on time.

And if things are starting too get slow out there, we always have The KareBear contingency to fall back on.

Just airdrop this woman into the room:

Si.  Es mi madre.

Within minutes of her arrival, not only will everyone find they've received enough food for three people and a possibly-unwanted-hug, but everyone will wonder how they were also volunteered for cleaning up the Kodak Theater and stacking tables.

And, if you thought The Admiral had no idea what was going on out there in movie-land, wait til The KareBear inevitably brings up the the Neil Diamond starring 1980 remake of The Jazz Singer.  Sources confirm, she believes "that was just a terrific movie!".

That said, her inclusion will somehow mean she keeps adding "one more thing before we go" for approximately 30 minutes after the last award is handed out.  That story will inevitably be about a child you will never have met, but it'll somehow be relevant.

So, think on it Academy of Motion Picture Science and Whatever.  The Admiral/ KareBear Team is here to make 2014 a true year to remember.



*he will have no idea who Halle Berry is, so it's all good
**"Measure twice, cut once."